Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
