two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
