I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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