Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The air was thick with penises
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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