His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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