I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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