Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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