If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it hurts more in the daytime
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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