so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
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