She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
