how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
