cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
