I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
