These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize