Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
