I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
