Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
