Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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