hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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