I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
