I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
