The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
