If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
