yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
