Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
