So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
