i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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