Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
