Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
