I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
