I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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