she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
