i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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