so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
