My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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