I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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