I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
