if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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