just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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