don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
