You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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