I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
