walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
