I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
