ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
