did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
