Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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