I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
