I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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