i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
