I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
