it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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