I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
