So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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