I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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