You made me cry and you don't even care
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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