I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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