someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
